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Friday, February 23, 2007 11:19 pm
Mood disorder.
I think I may be suffering from a mood disorder called Cyclothymic Disorder. It's where hypomania and depressive states kind of occur together at the same time or like one minute i'm hypomanic, the other, i'm depressed. Hypomanic meaning having symptoms of mania but to a lesser degree.
So anyway, the first week of KK posting was blah. It didn't go too well for me because of my clinical facilitator. One thing I liked about the obstretic ward was caring for the infants. I bottle-fed them and changed their teeny diapers and stuff. Such cute, small, lovable beings.
Today, after work, I had to go all the way to Jurong to get my vaccination for Tetanus and Typhoid and Anti-Malaria. The first two are injections. I was given one on each arm! The Tetanus shot was OMG. To me, it hurt like HELL. All the way home I was avoiding people. I was like "Get away" and "Don't hit me!". Which was said in my heart. I didn't actually said those out loud. But I did make sounds like when you try to scream but your mouth is taped. Ya. But the volume isn't as high as how we'd scream through a taped mouth, for help when hot wax is being poured over you. So ya. All the way in the train I didn't lean back in case I might hit the passengers beside me. Every movement was exaggerated in my mind. When this guy next to me wanted to uncross his legs, I thought he was going to kick me with his knee. Paranoid Nadiah.
When I got home, I warned my family. Then I watched the show called HANAZAKARINO KIMITACHIHE. The funniest show ALIVE! It's a Taiwanese show but I don't know why the title sounds like Japanese. It's about this girl who disguised herself as a guy to get into a boy's school to see her idol. VERY CUTE!! It's on YouTube too, so if you're interested, go see! Yea, as I was saying, it was hilarious. I laughed about a scene so hard and still kept laughing even after the scene was over and until I had TEARS in my eyes that I needed a tissue. I really LOVE the show, please. It's funny, it's cute and the guy is SOOO handsome.
After that, I had to change from my uniform to night clothes. Oh the AGONY! Both my arms were hurting something bad. Ok not THAT bad. But you can feel the numbness and the sting. It ached! So anyway, the doctor had put like a small swab on the injection site and pasted a band-aid over it to keep in place. Yes, OH MY GOD, band-aid. As I tried taking them off, I could practically hear every tiny hair shrieking in pain! It hurt so much, I cried. Tears again. But at the same time I was making so much noise screaming and laughing at the same time, while my sisters watched in amusement. After the terrorizing and traumatic event of 'waxing', I had to get my uniform off. Dear GOD! It's either my boobs had grown bigger or I was doing it all wrong while trying to prevent more injury to my arms. I think it was my boobs. I hope. Hahah. So yea, the waist of my uniform had difficulty going up. Neither can it go down. But I decided the up way so... I shall spare you the details of my struggle. But of course, I succeeded. I've discovered that I have quite a high pain intolerance.
That was the mania part. Now the depressive part.
My dad is such a frustrating person. We (my sisters and I) can't have our privacy, we had to give in EVERYTIME he pleaded with us to use the computer. It's so annoying. But when we asked to use the computer, he'll be like "hmm....hmm....hmm?" Like he wasn't actually listening but just making a sound that he probably thinks is his acknowledgement. And why can't he use the bloody laptop that he bought? And when I turned on my radio, he was like complaining of how 'bingit' the noise was. What the HELL. Then when he turns on his music when I'm asleep, after some irritated sound I made and stomping to get the volume down, he turned it up again, probably even louder. I was so pissed off just now that I cried like no one's business. I hadn't cried like that since October last year. I wasn't exactly sobbing. It was tears of sheer anger accompanied with the grinding of teeth.
What's next was my mom DEMANDED to know why I'm crying. You THINK I'm going to tell you WHY I'm crying when you're being so DAMNED demanding? It went something like this:
Mom: (standing over me) Why are you crying?
ME: *silence* (tears just flowing)
Mom: Hey.
ME: *more silence* (deep breath to stop tears)
Mom: Hey. Why're you crying?
ME: Nothing.
Repeat above conversation
Mom: (still standing over me) What nothing? There must be a reason why you're crying like that.
ME: I laughed too much, that's why I'm crying.
Mom: Laughing too much doesn't make you cry like this.
ME: *silence x 1 min*
She left.
10 minutes later
Mom: Oi.
ME: Why must you know?
That's when she blew.
Mom: Because I'm your mother. Fine. Treat me like a nobody. I'm nothing to you right? I can't know what's going on, right?
And she stomped off.
Yea, SURE. Trust me to tell you what's going on when you're demanding it. Yea, SURE. Trust me to tell you what's going on when you're only going to defend HIM and giving me 'advice' in a scolding tone. And yea, SURE, when you're probably going to use it against me when you're just in a bloody bad mood.
Unreasonable and not understanding.
Thinking about it, I don't really have a good relationship with my family. I can't remember the last time I was tucked in or hugged or kissed goodnight like those you see on TV. I can't see myself, 20 years down the road, talking to them about my problems or calling them up once in a while or visiting them (NOT a home, mind you) during festive seasons. I'm somehow detached from this family.
Maybe it's the medication talking. Some side effects I don't know about that affects my brain and my laughing box and my tear-producing gland.
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